Sunday, January 29, 2012

Fear & Loathing

Okay let's talk about the things that I am scared of. One of the questions I get asked most often is, "Are you nervous?" Well hell yeah I am nervous. My life, as I know it, is over. I am starting completely fresh with a lot of the old tools that I had. I cannot and will not be able to continue how I am living now and expect any different results. That in and of itself is scary.

I am afraid of failing - not that I won't lose enough weight, but that I will allow my self to take up where it left off. All the experts I have came in contact tell me that is a like an addiction, but unlike a drug addiction or an alcohol addiction, I am not able to just completely cut myself off of foods. So I have to adapt better choices. Food choices that are higher in protein, lower in carbohydrates. As with any addiction the first step is to admit there is a problem, and the second admitting that I have no control over it. So here I am ... My name is Erin, I am addicted to carbohydrates and I have no control over them in my diet/life. Sounds ridiculous huh? Yeah I thought so. Of course I am in control of these carbs. Doughnuts, Pasta, Bread, Cookies - you know where you can all go!!! A couple of years ago, I tried hypnosis as a form of aide for weight loss, it worked really well for about 90 days. Everytime I thought about eating carbs I got this depressed or sometimes even angry feeling. It really made me shy away from them. But just like everything else I was putting a bandaid on a much bigger wound.

I am afraid of losing my hair - as a big girl I have to find little things that I love about myself (my eyes, my hair, my lips) and focus on those things. My hair being one of my favorite things -(for those of you who don't know what I look like I have long, naturally curly, brown hair. It has the most gorgeous natural curl to it. It is thick and just makes a damn good head of hair. Not to toot my own horn, but kind of.) I wear my hair up in a pony tail the majority of the week. While I will admit the main reason for that is because I enjoy sleeping in in the morning , another reason for this is because I love the positive comments I get on my hair whenever I wear it down (narcissstic, I know) But honestly if I fixed it everyday, people would only notice when I wore it up (man, Erin is really looking rough this morning) who wants that?! So when my surgeon told me I would really have to watch my protein intake or I would start losing my hair. I had a mini-panic attack.

I am afraid of dying, but not how most would think. I would miss out on seeing my brother's meet and fall in love with wonderful women and have beautiful children. I would miss seeing my friend's kiddos grow up and develop great personalities and become amazing people. I am not finished living yet. I am content with my life, and I know God has a plan for me after death. So dying -in and of itself - doesn't scare me, but leaving my loved ones behind to fight these battles without me does. I am kind of a big deal (in my best Will Ferrell voice) people would have a hard time losing me (there I go, narcisstic much?)

I am afraid of having a catheter - probably no big deal I have just never done that before.

I am afraid of not drinking alcohol for 6 months, not eating raw vegetables for 3 months, not eating solids for 8 weeks, never eating simple carbohydrates again. I wish I was a bear and I could hibernate.

I am also afraid that my weight loss will change how people approach me. Not just strangers, but my family and friends. One of the things that my Psych evaluation taught me was that a lot of individuals going through this process chose other thinks to transfer their addiction to (ie drugs, drinking, gambling, shopping, being promiscuous - I mean if we get a choice right?) haha Addictions are the fastest way to lose people you love, I just got lucky being addicted to food - other people can totally relate to that!

Enough about fears ...

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