To Be Loved

Okay, so I know I have been MIA. I need to get some things off my chest, plus so many of you have asked me to start up my blogs again. So for an update on my health: I am on my 22nd month post-surgery, and am still 100 lbs down. I have gained a little bit of my weight back, but for the most part I have maintained my healthy eating habits. My main obstacles are liquid calories (in the form of wine and beer) and snacking. My levels are still really good, and I still feel pretty good.

Let me take this opportunity to stress to you readers, that eating is not meant to be for entertainment or enjoyment. It is simply so that our body can make energy and fuel from it. Things such as pancakes and doughnuts, or even most sugar-laden cereals do our body no good in terms of fuel. I know it is easier to say these things (trust me; I am my own worst enemy).

Now for what is really on my mind. For the first time in my life I am starting to really be afraid of being single. That being said please let me explain. I LOVE being single! I LOVE being able to go wherever I want, with whoever I want, whenever I want. I LOVE the fact that for 29 years now, the only real heartache I have ever felt was as a direct result of deaths of people that I love. I also love the fact that I have been able to see other people’s true loves and “not so true” loves – and I am able to see that love is more about respect, communication, trust and loyalty rather than passion, jealousy and physical attraction. For so many years, I have convinced myself that someone will meet me, get to know me and truly fall in love with my spirit. Not necessarily want to jump my bones, but want to be around me for the rest of their life, want me to be the mother of their children. I have a beautiful spirit (I think). It’s disheartening to think about a future in a world where I may never really know what being in love feels like.

The last guy, with whom things did inevitable "not work out with", and I have remained friends. I recently got up the nerve, and brought up to him my curiosity about what my biggest problem was - why it is that the men I want to be around, either friend zone me right off the bat, or end up becoming not interested pretty quickly. And his response to that was that I lacked confidence. That I created doubt and problems that were nonexistent and then tried to convince my other half that these issues were real. While this is not the easiest thing to fix about one’s self, I now have a base line for my improvements. When I started looking at my confidence though, I was startled. I am confident about every aspect of my life EXCEPT for my confidence in my ability to be enough for someone. I am confident that I am funny, smart, and fun to be around. I am confident that I can cook, clean, take care of myself. I am confident in my family and friends. I am confident that I will be okay in any situation. But for some reason when it comes to men, I am not confident in the slightest. I don’t believe that what they want is me. I don’t believe that they are attracted to me. I don’t believe that they would be happy spending the rest of their lives with me. So that, my friends, is my predicament. How do I improve that kind of confidence in myself?