Beginning ... Again

I am a big proponent of “Everything happens for a reason” and “I am exactly where I am supposed to be” however - I have used that as a crutch for entirely too long. I am sure the majority of you watch “This is Us” – Kate struggles with weight and her “addiction to food.” Let me go ahead and break it down for you – THAT. IS. REAL. That feeling of inadequacy of hating yourself for not having any self-control when it comes to food YET reveling in the safety that your weight brings. Y’all that shit is real life.

Of course people want to be thin. Of course they want to feel better. And of course diet and exercise would do that for me – hell it would do that for ANYBODY. But the conscious effort we make on a day to day basis is not that simple. Life is hard and even on our best days our bodies fail. Our willpower fails. Macaroni and Cheese is my spirit animal < LBVS.

I have medical problems that are beginning to present themselves again – 5 years past the date of my VSG surgery. Hypertension, Fatigue, Anxiety, Depression, Hormonal changes, Digestive issues. I am still 60 lbs lighter than I was when I began my journey; but I said I would never go back above 300 and I did. I failed. I failed myself. I failed my physician. I failed my support system. Despite my failures – Despite my lack of will power. My supporters are still present – and they are louder than ever.

I have 14 months to make another go of this thing. This “weight loss” journey per se. So that I don’t have to buy 2 plane tickets for myself in order to go on a honey moon (YES that is a thing). So that I can marry a man that I dreamt of for so long. Not him physically. But the emotional safety. The mental support. The unconditional love feeling that for so long I had only felt from my parents and my siblings.

I am happy! I am so in love! I am loved! I am worth it! So I am SOOO doing this. Feel free to support me if you’d like – I have so much to prove! If support is not what you have to offer, then that is fine. Just sit back and watch me live my best life possible.

XO – BIG E