Six months later

I had my six month post-op visit over the weekend, and while I am happy to announce that most of my co- morbidities have been cured and I have lost a total of 105 lbs., I am also not where my surgeon would like me to be.  I must admit that I have become lax on the strictness of my high protein – low carbohydrate diet.  While as a lifestyle change, I am much more focused on protein, I had begun to add in carbohydrates at an alarming rate and also add in liquid calories (Starbucks – eek!)

Over the last month I have really started to notice the change in my thinking when it comes to food as being a fuel and no longer a comfort/joy.  I have started to get annoyed with people who fill their bodies with nothing but processed foods or high sugar drinks, and then proceed to complain about the way they feel.  Again I find it strange being the biggest girl in the room, but being the healthiest.

These past few months have been emotionally reeling, and where I would normally turn to food as a comfort or a solace.  I find myself abandoning it!  Where I would once eat an entire package of Oreos after a fight with a friend, I now skip meals at a time finding it hard to enjoy it at all.

For those of you who have followed my blog since the beginning, I am in my first wedding next month – as Maid Of Honor, and must say am pretty excited about the way the dress fits!! I also tried on my first pair of high heeled shoes.  I am one step closer to accomplishing some of my goals.  I am far from thin, but I am also far from where I have started.  As the lab tech so eloquently put it on Friday, “Hell, you have lost a Titans cheerleader!!”

I also came in contact with a lady at my work not to long ago that was a complete stranger.  She went out of her way to comment on how I had lost a lot of weight and asked how I had done it.  I explained to her about the surgery and my lifestyle changes, and she said "Well you look great," instead of stopping with that compliment, my co-worker went on to say, "I am also trying to lose weight, but I am doing it the hard way!"  For those of you who think that this way (surgery) was an easy way - I recommend that you think again.  While my successes have been more immediate, this was and is not easy! I still have to diet and excercise with the rest of them.  My smaller stomach is just a tool.

The plan is to hit the diet hard again for 30 days and go back to my surgeon.  I am feeling great and looking even better than that ;)

Celebrations & Mournings

This week marks two huge events in my young adult life.  I have reached 100 lbs loss since my surgery, and I have also experienced my first loss of a friend. 

Saturday morning of last week I was at work when I received the call that my dear friend, Michael Willinger, had been killed in a car accident.  I couldn't believe it - refused to believe it - until I spoke to my mom moments later who was already in tears.  Within the next two hours I felt every emotion one could feel - regret, joy, sorrow, confusion, anger, anxiety, love, but most of all I felt empty.  Other than the loss of my paternal grandparents I have experienced NO loss in my life.  I have been very fortunate.  This news rocked my world.  Immediately I began to rack my brain about the last time I saw Michael.  The week before he had come to my neighbor's house to help putting up a pool.  I instantly regretted not giving Michael a hug.  He, like his twin brother Marcus, had the best hugs ever.  He was hot and sweaty and I was in a bad mood - so I didn't.  Please if you are reading this ALWAYS hug those you love - ALWAYS.  The week to follow was hard.  The arrangements were made for Friday, due to Fourth of July holiday, and the fact that Michael was one of twelve siblings that had to travel to Kentucky from all over the country.  At the funeral, the pastor gave an opportunity for loved ones to speak out in memory of Michael.  There were so many things I should have said, if only I could.  There was no way at that point in the service I would have been able to mutter coherent sentences.  So I decided to blog what I would like to say so that I have the chance to say it.

I met Michael in elementary school.  He was much younger than I, but his brothers were great friends of mine.  When Michael was in middle school he became good friends with my brother, Max.  Michael, his twin Marcus, their friend Jamison, and Max were always together - getting into something.  For the next 8 years, off and on, I saw Michael on occasion and he always brought such joy into my life.  He had a laugh, a smile, and hug incomparable to any other.  During Michael's service his mom and dad were both able to speak of the fact that the joy they felt while parenting Michael held no comparison to the sorrow that they are feeling at this moment.  They said that they would live with this much pain for the rest of their lives to do it all again.  I feel the same way about being his friend.  He brought me so much more joy in his life than he has sorrow in his death.  I am sure that I will see Michael smiling on the other side one day, and I am getting that hug - even if he is hot and sweaty.  Michael has left behind 11 siblings, 6 of whom I am very close to - I intend to hug every one of them everytime I see them as well. 

So in conclusion, while I have met one of my 100 lbs goals - there are far greater things weighing on my heart and mind.  As I continue to heal my spirit, my body will continue to get to where it needs to be.  Thank you all for your continued support, and I apologize for these longs lapse of entries.  Keep my mind, body and spirit in your prayers.

Getting Busy

It has been a month since my last post.  I know that many of you are curious as to what I am feeling, how I am doing, if I am still trucking, etc.  Life has definitely changed for me.  In many ways, I am grasping for ways to keep things somewhat normal.  Of course, this attempt is futile.  Everything about me has changed.  I have spent this last month, trying to spend as much time as possible with my family and closest friends - "getting busy living" - because my new life motto is "If you aren't busy living - you are busy dying!"

I have an exciting summer planned - full of vacations, dinner parties, and celebrations!  As far as my diet goes - I am eating normal foods (just very little bits).  The only foods that I am to steer clear of are raw fruits and vegetables and sweets.  I am on a low calorie, low carb diet - but that is a lot easier now that my stomach holds approximately 1/2 cup of food.

I am having trouble getting my liquids in, but the protein has not been a problem as of yet.  It seems that the foods I want to eat are mostly protein-heavy foods.  As of the last time I weighed, I was down 70 lbs.  I have gone from 412 - 342.  I have an appointment next week, and we are coming  up on the 3 month visit.  People are really starting to notice my weight loss, and as my family said this weekend, the "life" is back in my eyes. 

I am still looking forward to doing many of the things I have been unable to do thus far in my life.  As far as my personality goes, I am not sure if it has changed.  I am a little more subdued and cautious then I have been.  I am probably not as much fun, but I can still love recklessly and am hopeful that the future is full of joy and laughter.  I guess you would have to ask my friends, about whether or not I have changed. 

So - there it is, in five paragraphs or less - my progress!

6 weeks post-op

Friday I went for my 6 week post-op appointment, and while my weight loss has slowed, I am still on schedule  with my recovery.  The last week I have been experiencing a significant amount of fluid retention causing my legs and ankles to swell significantly! I was nervous about this (since I decided to google the causes of this) but was encouraged when my surgeon explained that my body was in "survival mode" and this would pass. 

So since the beginning, I have lost 60 lbs. nothing the last two or three weeks, but since I lost so much in the beginning - this also is considered normal.  I am on soft solids and can eat  most meats, cheeses, eggs, and cooked vegetables. 

One thing I learned at my appointment on Friday is that we, as humans, are supposed to have half of our body weight in ounces in water daily.  So, my 350 pound self should be drinking about 175 ounces of water daily (it is no wonder my body thinks I am starving it). 

The last two weeks have been MUCH better for me physically, I have been able to do more excercising and just all around feeling better.  I was worried Post Op weeks 3&4 that I wouldn't make it - but I did and life is going on.  I am so ready to get this Spring/Summer activities well under way!

Strength

I want to start by apologizing for the gap in blog posts, I know many have you have been concerned or even just curious about how my journey is going up to this point.  Not only have I not felt like blogging, but I have a real issue with being negative.  I don’t want to come across as someone who is unhappy, so I have tried to put this off as long as I could.

My mom has been on my case for weeks to write, so here it is ma – the best I got.

Today is my 35^th day sans solid food.  I have been mad, sad, sick, tired, lonely, and confused for the past month.  Every emotion has hit me besides the one that I was welcoming – pride & joy.  So many people have made the comment that I am one of the strongest people they know, or that my strength is encouraging.  While I appreciate those sentiments, I cannot help but want to scream NO I AM NOT – I AM HUNGRY, I SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THIS!!! I haven’t yet been depressed, because even in the midst of all these negative emotions I do see the light at the end of this journey.  As of March 10^th, I had lost 50 lbs.  I have not weighed since then (I plan on doing that on Monday).  But my friends are able to tell, and I am starting to be able to notice a significant change in different body parts (hands, feet, face, butt). 

Along with the nausea the worst thing I have encountered is the “ketonic” breath I have developed.  Which, I am told, means my body is metabolizing my fat – but it tastes horrible (and I can only imagine what it smells like).

On a positive note, my birthday was Monday – and I was able to experience my first birthday sans cake, ice cream, dinner, and drinks.  Some friends and I bowled Saturday, played Bunco Sunday, and my parents cleaned my house/yard on my actual BDAY – not to mention my roommate filled our living room with balloons.  So … who needs cake & ice cream!?! J I may even consider skipping it next year if the same rules apply.

So for now, it is still water, Crystal Light, & Sugar Free Popsicles.  Next week I will be able to start soft/mushy foods, and I have never been so excited about tuna fish in my entire life.  My stomach only holds 4oz at a time, so while I will have to eat like a bird – the taste and texture is what I miss the most.

A big thanks to everyone that has loved and supported me through this.  I WILL beat this! I WILL NOT lose myself.  The best is yet to come.  But let me just say – there is NO WAY I would have been able to do this without my parents.  They are, after all, my biggest fans!

“Man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God … He gives strength to the weary and strengthens the powerless.  Youths may faint and grow weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint.” ß Isaiah (Thanks Lynn)

Good with the Bad

My one week post-op appointment was today with my surgeon.  I have been struggling to reach my minimum 64oz of fluids each day, and not even came close to my goal of 60g proteins each day - so I was dreading this follow up visit.  I hit the scales and was 46 pounds down, 7 points lower on my BMI, and my excercise physiologist said that I was way ahead of schedule. 

The bad news for me is that I have three more weeks on this FREAKING (for lack of a better word) liquid diet. The emotional/mental ailments associated with this procedure, are lurking (I can feel them).  Also I have developed a transfer addiction (sorry folks, not as exciting as you'd hope) Vampire Diaries. 

While I love spending time at home with my mom, I am excited to go back to work, see my friends again, and love on the sweet babies in my life.  Thanks everybody for your kindness and support.  Hold tight ... the ride has not yet begun to get good.

Back at it!

Today is Post-Op Day #4. I am experiencing minimal pain (almost like someone kicked me in the gut). I am experiencing a little buyer's remorse (I really want a normal meal). I am also experiencing strange gurgling from my new stomach. Other than those things this process has been tolerable. I've received some gorgeous flowers and sweet cards from friends and family. One more week at my parent's and I'll be back among the living.