Strength

I want to start by apologizing for the gap in blog posts, I know many have you have been concerned or even just curious about how my journey is going up to this point.  Not only have I not felt like blogging, but I have a real issue with being negative.  I don’t want to come across as someone who is unhappy, so I have tried to put this off as long as I could.

My mom has been on my case for weeks to write, so here it is ma – the best I got.

Today is my 35^th day sans solid food.  I have been mad, sad, sick, tired, lonely, and confused for the past month.  Every emotion has hit me besides the one that I was welcoming – pride & joy.  So many people have made the comment that I am one of the strongest people they know, or that my strength is encouraging.  While I appreciate those sentiments, I cannot help but want to scream NO I AM NOT – I AM HUNGRY, I SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THIS!!! I haven’t yet been depressed, because even in the midst of all these negative emotions I do see the light at the end of this journey.  As of March 10^th, I had lost 50 lbs.  I have not weighed since then (I plan on doing that on Monday).  But my friends are able to tell, and I am starting to be able to notice a significant change in different body parts (hands, feet, face, butt). 

Along with the nausea the worst thing I have encountered is the “ketonic” breath I have developed.  Which, I am told, means my body is metabolizing my fat – but it tastes horrible (and I can only imagine what it smells like).

On a positive note, my birthday was Monday – and I was able to experience my first birthday sans cake, ice cream, dinner, and drinks.  Some friends and I bowled Saturday, played Bunco Sunday, and my parents cleaned my house/yard on my actual BDAY – not to mention my roommate filled our living room with balloons.  So … who needs cake & ice cream!?! J I may even consider skipping it next year if the same rules apply.

So for now, it is still water, Crystal Light, & Sugar Free Popsicles.  Next week I will be able to start soft/mushy foods, and I have never been so excited about tuna fish in my entire life.  My stomach only holds 4oz at a time, so while I will have to eat like a bird – the taste and texture is what I miss the most.

A big thanks to everyone that has loved and supported me through this.  I WILL beat this! I WILL NOT lose myself.  The best is yet to come.  But let me just say – there is NO WAY I would have been able to do this without my parents.  They are, after all, my biggest fans!

“Man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God … He gives strength to the weary and strengthens the powerless.  Youths may faint and grow weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint.” ß Isaiah (Thanks Lynn)

Good with the Bad

My one week post-op appointment was today with my surgeon.  I have been struggling to reach my minimum 64oz of fluids each day, and not even came close to my goal of 60g proteins each day - so I was dreading this follow up visit.  I hit the scales and was 46 pounds down, 7 points lower on my BMI, and my excercise physiologist said that I was way ahead of schedule. 

The bad news for me is that I have three more weeks on this FREAKING (for lack of a better word) liquid diet. The emotional/mental ailments associated with this procedure, are lurking (I can feel them).  Also I have developed a transfer addiction (sorry folks, not as exciting as you'd hope) Vampire Diaries. 

While I love spending time at home with my mom, I am excited to go back to work, see my friends again, and love on the sweet babies in my life.  Thanks everybody for your kindness and support.  Hold tight ... the ride has not yet begun to get good.

Back at it!

Today is Post-Op Day #4. I am experiencing minimal pain (almost like someone kicked me in the gut). I am experiencing a little buyer's remorse (I really want a normal meal). I am also experiencing strange gurgling from my new stomach. Other than those things this process has been tolerable. I've received some gorgeous flowers and sweet cards from friends and family. One more week at my parent's and I'll be back among the living.

Twas the Night Before

It's here!!! The night before my surgery, and it's strange - although I feel like my nerves should be making me sick, I have an overwhelming sense of calm.  I am exhausted - mentally, emotionally, physically, but I am so ready to get this show on the road.  I had an Upper GI this morning - yuck! - a pre-op class this afternoon, and some blood work drawn.  I am home safe with my parents, and have to be back in Nashville around 5:30am.

Dear Lord: Please protect me from harm.  Please guide my surgeon, Dr. Olsen's, hands tomorrow during this surgery.  I pray there is no unexpected complications, though I know if there is - it is Your will.  Please be with my family and friends during this time, and grant them peace.  I pray that this recovery is speedy and You will supply me the strength I need to get up and get on with life.  I thank you for all you have given me, and for all that you are going to give me.  Forgive me as I continue to fall short.  Amen. 

Kickin' Butt & Buckets

As promised, tonight I want to talk about my Bucket List.  The list I have made, of  25 things I want to do before I "kick the bucket."  But first ... let me tell you a little bit about my day.  I had some Pineapple Greek Yogurt for breakfast, a Chocolate protein shake for lunch, & some Chicken Broth for dinner.  I felt rough today.  I don't know if it was the weather, a mix of recently developed health concerns, or just that the hunger is finally getting to me, but it hit me hard.  On my lunch break I had an interview with the Messenger Inquirer, thanks to the anonymous tip - the Health section of MI wanted to do a story about my blog.  Then after my lunch I sent an email out to my department at work letting them know about my surgery & blog, and got so many kind responses.  Hopefully some of my co-workers are reading tonight -(I told them about my possible transfer addictions, and I think they think this read is going to be more exciting than it is).  When I got home, I had every intention of packing up and heading on to Russellville, but I was drained.  So, finally Day #6 the hunger is kicking my butt.

Okay so before I die I want to...
1 - Get a tattoo (a walrus - with sunglasses and a cigar)
2- Go fishing (and actually catch a fish)
3- Learn to drive a stick a shift
4- Drive a golf ball
5- Watch the sun rise over water
6- Eat caviar
7- Take a photo in all 50 states
8- See Phil Collins perform
9- Make snow angels
10- Sing karaoke
11- Grow something beautiful
12- Get a full-body massage
13- See Kenny G perform
14- Attend an opera
15- Get fake eyelashes
16- See NYC at Christmastime
17- Watch fireworks over the ocean
18- Perfect a recipe for meatloaf (I am so close!)
19- Swim with the dolphins
20- Get a full-body wax
21- Wear stilettos
22- Ride a motorcycle
23- Own a boat
24- Visit the Eiffel Tower
25- Drive Route 69

So there it is, 25 reasons why I am not done living - better yet - I have only just begun!!!!

Packing List

Today I have been spacy feeling, in all honesty, I am probably not getting near the amount of water that I should.  I had a yogurt for breakfast, a strawberry protein shake for lunch, and have had a fudgesicle so far for dinner.  I may have a bowl of chicken broth before bed.  I have had a dull headache since 2pm, and am not entirely sure why (unless it’s the prior-mentioned water problem).  I had plans to go to my Shore-Watch Party, which for those of you who don’t know is some friends and I get together every Thursday and watch Jersey Shore, but I cancelled due to my headache and the fact that I have SO much to do before I go in to work tomorrow. 

Tonight I am packing a surgery bag.  This is what I plan to take:

-My IPOD (which I am filling as we speak)

-Hair ties and a brush

-My own pillow

-My Shaker Cup

-Shampoo & Powder

-Slippers & Robe (which I am hoping my mom will pick up for me tomorrow)

-Some loose clothes to change in to on discharge day

-Chapstick!!

-Feminine Products: all my info says that even if you have just finished your cycle more likely than not the shock of surgery causes you to restart (Oh Joy!)

I take off tomorrow right after work, heading to my parent’s for the weekend and into the hospital Monday for all of my Pre-Op visits.  Tomorrow night I am going to post about my Bucket List.  So stay tuned…  5 days left!

Coronas & Boas

Tonight’s post I would like to dedicate to my family.  I have been struggling with different blog topics, and given today’s events my mom suggested that I talk about my family.  This morning at 4:50am my cousin Rachel gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  Happy BIRTHday Sadie Jane! 

Today was Day #4 of my Liquid Diet.  My Pre-Cert went through yesterday, and my cravings stayed at bay until night time.  I swear the worst part of all this is not being able to CRUNCH things.  I have considered chewing up a carrot or piece of celery and spitting it out just to get the crunch out of the way.  Today I had Cottage Cheese for Breakfast, a Strawberry Protein Shake for lunch, and am planning on having a bowl of broth and some yogurt for dinner.  Sounds great, huh?  I still feel fine, last night and today I was nauseous – but it wasn’t unbearable, and I still am not hungry.  I also have not felt one minute of fatigue, which I assumed I would. 

So back to my family, the Howard’s – It all started with my Memac and Granddaddy.  My Memac was a cook, an amazing cook.  She cooked for a church during the day and for her family on the weekends.  Some of the things I remember best were her milk gravy (man, she could make that look easy), her fudge (which is hard to duplicate), and her macaroni & cheese.  It would be impossible for me to put in words how great of a cook she was, so I am not even gonna try.  My Memac loved with a vengeance.  Her family was her pride & joy.  My Granddad was a Master Plumber when he was younger, but in the years after  he retired, he mostly just hung out.  He was a very kind & handy man.  I can remember many times when I was growing up, coming home to him helping my dad build a deck or fixing our toilet.  My grandparents lived in Utica for most of my childhood and my Granddad would go hang out across the street at the JR’s Market – a small family run convenient store that sold groceries, had a deli etc.  I can remember as a child crossing the street to tell him it was time to come home, and getting a YooHoo from the big cooler and saying “Put it on my Granddad’s tab” (I thought I was a big deal back then!)  My grandparents had three boys and a girl (who passed at a young age) – my dad, my Uncle Johnn, my Aunt Salley and my Uncle Ben. 

My Uncle Johnny is the oldest; one of my favorite of him was him always playing air guitar on my leg to some Van Halen or Jimi Hendrix.  He also used to drink Coronas (which I thought made him cool) and he would sing “Muh Muh Muh My Corona” (to the tune of “My Sharona”).  My Uncle Ben was the youngest, and in our eyes the coolest.  Some of my favorite memories with my Uncle Ben was singing Black Sabbath’s “War Pigs” at the top of our lungs as we sped down Cemetery Hill and “got some air” with my cousins.  One time when I was around 10 years old, my cousins and I went to stay the night with him in Bowling Green.  My Uncle Ben had a Boa Constrictor (I was not a fan of by the way) that my brother, Clay, would love to play with.  As we were heading out to go fly kites my uncle suggested that I get a sweater out of my bag to wear “in case it got cold.”  So here I am digging through my bag for a sweater, thinking to myself “I don’t think mom put a sweater in here”, as he assured me it was there (Oh I should have known!)  Low and behold there’s that freaking snake IN MY BAG!   I had a good scream, they had a good laugh and we spent the rest of the afternoon flying kites.  Karma is one though, because if I remember correctly, we went roller skating that night and he had quite the fall. 

Enough about my uncles, six more days till surgery! It is good to be a Howard.  Night y’all see ya tomorrow!